I thought a lot when I decided to leave Daytop tomorrow. I am not so sure about what I am choosing and what kind of decision I am making­.

        Emotionally, I am reluctant to leave this place where I was reborn. It was Daytop that led me to me understand the significance of my existence; it was Daytop that reconstructed my personality, my dignity and my self-esteem. It was on this land I learned what I should do, how I should face the pressures and attitudes of others. It was here I learned that my former lifestyle, behavior and ethics were so malformed. When I look back at my every step, every learning experience, every feeling in this community, I don't know whether my leaving Daytop is the best choice. But I am sure is that I must get back my values and the recognition and approval of my friends and family. These are what I was thirsting for but could not grasp when I was a drug addict.

        During these more than 40 days in the community, I have gone from a self-abased loner to a man of confidence and love, with a sense of responsibility. The community entrusted me with these things.

        When I was still a normal person I through my own efforts won acknowledgement and recognition, but I also developed feelings of superiority that led to mistaken ideas and started me down a road that let the world hate me and caused pain to my loved ones - drug use.  I went farther and deeper, and then it was already too late to turn back. I had already destroyed all my past work, lost the trust of my relatives, the understanding of my friends and the recognition of society, though I still longed for these things. This conflict made me shameful inside. I sank lower every day, and in the midst of intensifying contradictions, I was afraid to face my past, my family, my friends and society. I thought of committing suicide. My sinking existence brought endless hurt to my family and my friends, and I owed them too much. But in my heart I wasn't willing. I was only 26 years old. I hadn't completed my responsibility as a son, and as a man. This prompted my determination to kick my drug habit.

        It was because I wanted these things that I came to this therapeutic community. During these more than 40 days I started from scratch. Every action, every feeling, every experience contributed to my rebirth. Here I felt loved and valued, and I worked to restore my sense of morals, rectify my behavior and recover my conscience. My future life will be much better because I will be able to face up to any difficulties I must shoulder and thoughts or emotions I must correct.

        During my time in the community, I advanced from a member of the cleaning group to the chief of the kitchen group, and through this experience I learned about conscience, love, pressure and bearing the burden of responsibility. Sometimes I wanted to retreat, but I encouraged myself when I saw fellow community members freely, lovingly serving others. I gained by giving of myself, and the things I gained were the things I needed to face society. I threw all my conscience and love into both examining my own problems and watching the progress of the other community members who were determined to get off drugs. It was gratifying, because we are all pulling ourselves out of the same quagmire together. Tomorrow I will leave the community to rebuild myself. As a former drug addict, I am writing out my understanding of and feelings toward the community to encourage myself to meet the next challenge with a better attitude and greater enthusiasm. Here I would like to review again. What did the community give me? What did they teach me? They taught me about concern, about love, about rectifying my behavior and about my conscience, and also, the courage to face all and the right way to endure pressure and handle feelings. These are what I am learning and trying to improve, in order to live a meaningful life both for myself and others.